Megan is skinny. I’m afraid she’ll need jeans with elastic tighteners
forever. I’ve done battle with several pairs of them, on her behalf,
getting the buttons through the elastic bands and then un-bunching the
stubborn waist in sections. It’s like a little built-in belt. If you
have no idea what I’m talking about, good for you. Of course, jeans that
are un-tight are the favorite of fathers everywhere, for their precious
daughters, but I don’t want Megan’s pants to sag in an entirely
unattractive way, only in a sort of unattractive way. There is a
precisely achievable difference. I want her pants snug at the waist and
baggy through the butt and thighs. Golf knickers, for example, are
perfect.
Megan said to me yesterday, at the dinner
table, in a kind of scholarly tone, “I think I just have gas pain, or I
have to go poop right now.” I said, “Okay Baby, sure thing, go take care
of business.” She scampered off, seemingly surprised or pleased or
enlightened by her self-diagnosis. It’s always oxymoronic for
expressions of this kind to come from such a sweet little girl.
Although, let’s be honest; Megan’s not always sweet or prone to
propriety when dealing with bodily functions. Megan, for example, is a
very skilled gas-passer and not at all one without pride. She will
almost always giggle and sometimes even pump her fist. Okay, I’m
exaggerating now…. As for Megan’s stomach issue detailed above, it was
in response to the visible shock, on my face and Michael’s, when Megan
declined dessert. This NEVER happens. So Megan felt the need to explain
unequivocally. In the future, however, in the long, long distant future –
like if she’s on a date – I hope she just excuses herself from the
table, flashes one of her beautiful smiles, and maybe retrieves her lip
gloss from her purse before departing. There’s nothing wrong with
misdirection, or harmless deception, at moments like this. Got it, Meg?
I
want my kids to be polite and positive. If I had to distill it all into two main points or focuses, if I had to do some kind of catch-phrase-y
sloganeering to summarize it, I would go with “The Two P’s of
Parenting.” Regarding politeness, I mean the obvious, but also the
possession of a sense of decorum and professionalism (when they get
older), and a sense of respect. The world has been around a long time,
and so have certain people, and certain types of people. I want
them to respect it all, because it will all reward them and fulfill them
and then, often without warning, knock them on their ass. And both
cycles have great purpose. Uh-oh, can I make it “The Three P’s of
Parenting?” And the second P – shoot, I think I’ve gone overboard, this
is like a cleaning-product infomercial now; no, I’m not yelling – is
really very simple. People who are optimistic and grateful are happier,
healthier, and more successful. We can argue about definitions and
semantics and science, but I simply want my kids to get in the habit of
leaning in one direction and not the other. And I think when you’re
positive, you work harder; you’re passionate. Four P’s?
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