Dad Entry #182

Over the past year, the kids have made no less than a thousand Rainbow Loom bracelets. I could be Mr. T with rubber band jewelry. Michael is especially prolific; it would be easier to list the things he can’t make with his Rainbow Loom. Necklaces, rings, flowers, candy canes, Christmas trees, teddy bears, pencil grips… that’s just the tip of the iceberg, the entry-level stuff. We’ve spent a fortune on rubber bands. But if I put money in their college funds, I’d have bare wrists, and I’m wearing two gorgeous inverted-fishtail bracelets as I type this. I prefer the fishtail to the hexafish and starburst varieties. If you would like to place an order with my children, please do so. I recommend being precise about color preferences though. When given creative license, my artists tend to concoct big, jumbled things that, well, clash horribly.

My kids rarely do what I ask after a single asking. It often takes two, three, four reps to get any kind of acknowledgement, answer, or movement. Naturally, I suspect talking to them about this might be inadequate. So... I was thinking some unpleasant ear cleanings are in order! I could drip that oily wax remover into young ear canals! It’s an actual health product and treatment. Barring quackery. Which could be rampant in ear care, for all I know. At a minimum, it is not torture. I think. I hope the authorities agree. Alas, I won’t do it, although I’ve put myself through this ‘treatment’ before. It felt very uncomfortable and unnatural, and in the end I decided that age – or not enough silence in my life – was to blame for any dampening of my auditory system. But the fact remains, whether dirty or dusty with disuse (I realize that second one makes zero sense), I need to resuscitate some ears that aren't my own! I need to rattle some eustachian tubes. Or brains. Or attitudes. Or something!

Good shot Meg!

Dad Entry #181

This morning, I was finally rewarded for the countless school lunches I’ve made several years in a row now. I was at the grocery store, staring with bleary, bloodshot eyes at all the unhealthy but conveniently packaged and portioned lunchbox fillers, when something caught my eye. I might never have noticed this heavenly something if I didn’t buy shitty, processed, preservative-laden crap for my precious children (never mind that I end up binging on it myself). Anyway, I squinted and did a double-take, and it was not a mirage. Thank God for the cracker and cookie aisle! There – I mean like right at my fingertips! – was a package of Oreos ‘Mega Stuf!’ More crème than ‘Double Stuf!’ More crème than EVER!

Coaching girls basketball has been extraordinary. That’s a strong word, but something like ‘memorable’ or ‘a lot of fun’ won’t do. The girls are 1st and 2nd graders, which means, yes, they are a bit like a flock of kittens. Smiley, bouncy, very cute, and a little clumsy one moment but then impressively lithe and athletic the next. Basketball, in my opinion, benefits from a smaller ‘field’ and less interruptions than other team sports. There’s a palpable flow that borders on the metaphysical for me. My playing days are mostly ancient history, so I’m thrilled to sense and absorb this energy as a courtside coach (a little different than a fan or armchair coach). I’m the assistant for Michael’s team, and I love that too, but there’s an earnestness, a focus that the girls bring that I don’t see in the boys right now. The boys, as 5th graders, think that nonchalance and coolness should be mastered above all else. Or so it seems. They prance around and waste time shooting half-court shots when they still can’t make five lay-ups in a row. I think it's a phase. I bark at them, and later bemoan, to Michael, the striking contrasts I see between his team and Megan’s. Michael bluntly notes that his team would whip my girls if they played each other. I feel like smacking him.

Dad Entry #180

Grandma, Papa, and Anna (their Golden Retriever) are staying with us for a few days while Mom is in the Philippines. The kids adore Anna, and there’s a lively reciprocity, I’d say, based on all the licking and tail-wagging. Michael asked me, “What do you think Anna would say if she could talk?” I answered, “Can I have some bacon, please?” Michael laughed but then frowned at my cynicism. I said, “What? Bacon is good! What’s wrong? You think she’d say, ‘The capital of Vermont is Montpelier?’” Michael indicated that he did, in fact, expect Anna’s thoughts to be more sentimental or cerebral if she abruptly voiced them, intelligibly, in English. (Yeah, because if she spoke Russian or German, I’d be even more impressed; although – I love irony – that is absolutely true.) I don’t know if Anna’s a genius, but I’m certain she’s a wonder-dog and sacred cow in the eyes of my kids. Feeling bad about my bacon slander, I reminded Michael, “Don’t forget Anna’s an exceptional birddog too, you know, so she might say, ‘When are we goin’ huntin’ again, fellas?’” That smoothed things over.

The other day I asked Michael, “Do you know what Pi is?” Michael said, “Yeah, it’s that three-point-fourteen number, right?” I was excited, my son, the math whiz. I said from memory, “It’s three-point-one-four-one-five-nine-two-six. But it goes on forever, technically. It’s an infinite decimal.” Me, the math whiz. Suddenly, my excitement vanished and I felt mildly depressed. I asked Michael if they’ve talked about Pi already in school and he said no. I felt relieved. Only half-joking, I said, “Good, then you have no business knowing what Pi is yet. Go back to playing Legos or cars or whatever.” Michael smiled.

Megan is still a gleeful farter. I sense more pride than embarrassment. She’s very comfortable with me, of course, but I’m wondering when girls become more furtive about this. Other than with Megan, I’m pretty sure I have a better chance of seeing Bigfoot, or a Cubs World Series. Like Jon Hamm said in a YouTube clip I saw recently, “I was under the impression that girls never farted.” Even I blame it on the dog in mixed company. It's just another profound, parent-related thing I ponder daily.

Dad Entry #179

Megan was crabby this morning. She generally lacks the inspiration or staying power to make it memorable. She loses steam and just isn’t willing, if we put her crabbiness on a scale like hotwing hotness, to go for habanero or ghost pepper. Today, however, she was really displeased. I sensed an uncommon, burgeoning potency! I braced for a sustained episode, but, alas, we didn’t get there; we pretty much never get there. It was off to school as usual, with smiles and I-love-you’s and nothing spectacularly negative. For one thing, I’m no help. I stay composed. It’s entirely up to Megan to hit any kind of hysterical crescendo. And she’s never been very conniption-y. She’s just a crab sometimes.

Our fish tank is thriving. There is a gross and scary amount of refuse in the blue gravel, and every surface is mossy – kind of like my unbrushed teeth when falling asleep with books has perpetrated lengthy neglect – but without exception, all of the creatures and plants in our 25 gallons are flourishing. I am referring to our real plants, whose serpentine roots can afford to be lazy; there is nutritious poop everywhere. But in all fairness, our fake plants look very happy too, like smiling mannequins, with green, fuzzy algae for hair. The umpteen snails and three plecostomuses are all very active and plump, and the non-suckerfish fish look healthy also, as they dart and glide this way and that. It’s been forever since I had to flush any rigid remains. On one side of the tank, there’s a house that triggers territorial behavior and turf wars, and on the other side, some Roman column ruins (a replica, unfortunately). The rest is foliage. It’s just a very messy and wonderful little world.

My kids don’t use the fan. Twice this week I’ve been unpleasantly surprised. I’m referring to the bathroom fan, if you haven’t jumped there already. “Guys, it’s easy,” I tell the kids, “Just flip the switch, you know, whenever you can describe your situation with a number that is plural.” Does Megan think I’m talking about math? Is Michael that oblivious to his gut-punching, tear-jerking aftereffects? I tell them, “I don’t care if you’ve eaten asparagus; I’m not calling for courtesy flushes; I’m not demanding you replace empty TP rolls; I’m not asking you to scrub the toilet; I just need you to TURN ON THE FAN! Flip the switch! And leave it flipped when you’re done and gone; it will do its work, yes, and also give us a little WARNING!”

It's Been so Long I Could Put 100 Pictures Up: Here's a Few

Dad Entry #178

Sometimes I smell Megan's shirts. There are hints of shampoo, perfume, body wash, fruity lip gloss, art supplies, and whatever meals I’ve cooked badly. I suppose if the olfactory traces are too faint, I notice some of these things visually; Megan’s sleeve cuffs, for example, are often like stain rainbows, or Jackson Pollock paintings, done in paint, yes, but also marker, glitter glue, barbeque, marinara, and chocolate. I’m afraid smelling Megan’s shirts is not the strangest thing I’ve ever done. And I don’t do it – inhale her shirt-captured, subtle, aromatic essence – when she’s with me; in that case, I kiss her on the head and stick my nose into her hair. I'm not a sommelier. Or a canine. Or a crazy. I don’t think so, anyway; I think I’m just a dad. I pine for her a little – even as a sense of freedom-from-whining lifts me – when I’m doing her laundry, after she’s rotated back to Mom’s following a few days with me.

I held Megan's hand yesterday. Her mitts are still pretty little, dainty and thin-fingered, and entirely neglected; even the grubbiest of men would notice her cuticles are crying for help. Anyway, I’m happy Megan’s still small. Years ago, I heard a wise person say, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” I stop and look around once in a while.

I'm sheepish about making this a bragging forum, but my kids are smart. That’s it. That’s all. Michael's halfway through 5th grade and his teacher notified us she’s ordered 7th grade reading material for him and two other students, his good friends Alexa and Megha. (Figures, mostly girls.) I’m excited for Michael, you betcha, nerds are the rage! It's been that way for years now. Think Zuckerberg, Jobs, Bezos, Bill Gates, Larry Page, Mark Cuban, etc. Nerdy is the new cool! Nerdom is the place to be! I think. I hope. I mean, it seems that way. It's cool, right? :)

My car is filthy. At this point, I just think of it as a crumb-filled commuter pod. Dive bars that give away unshelled peanuts are ten times cleaner. The exterior is even worse, of course, coated with that salty, oily film so richly layered by showers of brown slush and passing-car spray. It’s winter in Chicago.

Dad Entry #177

I’m happy Christmas is over. I feel a tremor of shame in admitting so, because it was a very wonderful and Christmas-y Christmas – we engaged in marvelous gluttony, and there were snowfalls and tender moments – but I’m kind of happy it’s a warm memory now. We raced to Minnesota ahead of a snowstorm and then I raced to finish shopping and wrapping. As always, there was substantial bustle and expectation. And there was one teeth-gritting moment – when Megan adamantly noticed Ellie had more gifts in our first of many exchanges – which I nipped in the bud with an avalanche of threats. Come to think of it, maybe our gift etiquette prep was too flippant this year; before all the action, I said, “Megan, what do you say if someone gives you a neatly wrapped, if slightly fragrant, box containing a dead rat?” and Megan answered too flatly, “Thank you, I’ve always wanted a dead rat.” Correct, Megan, but we also need enthusiasm, genuineness, and a smile.

The kids received Nooks from Grandma and Papa Mike. They are very nice HD Android tablets, and I’m afraid reading eBooks on them will be something akin to, I don’t know, going the speed limit when you can always go five over, or actually using duct tape on air ducts, or… am I making any sense? I suppose to illustrate my point I’ll note the incredible swiftness with which both kids got Minecraft up and running. (Turn on Nook. Enter Gmail address and log into Google Playstore. Download Minecraft. Launch game and play until brain turns to mush or Dad takes away Nook.) Minecraft is a pretty cool game though, for aspiring designers and architects. And creators. And we are all creators. But despite its brain-development-feel, there is also a sense, or response, like a vein is being tapped. My kids do love books though, and are often caught reading them. In fact, Santa brought them a big pile of books. Used books. Hey, at Michael's consumption rate it seems crazy to buy only new ones; a Barnes & Noble hardcover goes for eighteen bucks and he'll read it in two hours. Am I over-explaining myself and revealing insecurities? Obviously.

So happy 2014 everyone!

Dad Entry #176

I have never done this before, but #176 is only going to be a quote, from William Broyles. He's a Vietnam veteran and a writer / editor whose feathers include the screenplays for Apollo 13, Cast Away, and Jarhead, among others. Oh, and he's a dad...

"Next time my son and I came to the mountains we’d be ready, not that it would make any difference. We hadn’t earned a next time. The bear had given it to us. Grace came as a gift from unexpected givers. And if you weren’t grateful, if you didn’t thank God or nature or the Great Spirit for your life, your children, for being granted the moment to walk on the earth, then a bear might as well eat you and shit you out as a green puddle. You could get a big house and an expensive car, send your kids to the right schools and give parties for people like yourself, but there would always be that booby trap on the path, the ambush from the flowers, the grizzly in the woods, waiting for you. We made a wide circle away from where the grizzly and her cubs had gone into the woods..."

Dad Entry #175

I gave Megan an espresso this morning. She had an important standardized test at school today. I’m kidding; I didn’t give her any espresso. I made some extra for myself, though, and quickly drank too much and then gave her one helluva pep talk.

I pulled into Sara’s driveway the other day and then exited my car when it was still in Drive. Yeah, I didn’t put it in Park. Are you wondering what happened? We were late for Michael’s basketball game, for one thing.

Before the annual pheasant hunt, I told Megan, “I’m goin’ huntin’, Baby.” Her reply was swift, “Can I come?” Her unawareness and innocence is cute. Bird hunting, for me, is an awesome aggregation of fresh air, countryside, tobacco, great boots, shotgun blasts, pulse-pounding bird flushes and knockdowns and retrievals, amazing dogs, friends, evening alcohol, humorous profanity, story- and lie-telling, and blood (we kill, clean, and eat the birds, after all). Yeah, those are the biggies and, currently, Megan might only embrace the dogs and expensive footwear parts (although she has flashes of proficiency at lie-telling). But Megan won’t be a half-pint forever, and someday we’ll tote guns together over vast fields in cold, wet, nasty weather in search of pheasants. It’ll be fun. I’ll get her a tin of Skoal Long Cut Cherry and she can use Papa Mike’s reasonably-weighted 20 gauge. Did you know they have Apple, Berry, Citrus, and Peach Skoal now? Our deceased rural patriarchs are rolling over in their graves.

So anyway, my car idled forward – very briskly, it seemed to me – and I jumped back into it and slammed my foot on the break. I hit the correct pedal, thank God, and instead of accelerating, the car stopped… but not before it crashed into Sara’s garage door. The damage was less than I feared, but I am suddenly afflicted with a very specific kind of terror and paralysis; I am afraid to get out of my vehicle even after I’ve turned it off, and I’m sitting there holding the key, which is nowhere near the ignition, and the engine is silent as a church mouse. The whole thing happened, of course, because I was thinking hard about how to be a better parent, when I should’ve been concentrating on my driving, or my not driving, or my parking or whatever it was that happened. Such are my flaws.

Dad Entry #174

For several weeks now, both kids have had a rattling cough, and very robust – and often visible – mucus masses blocking one or both nostrils. Megan's wet snot often sags and teardrops to the extreme of coating her upper lip at which point I recommend a Kleenex. I hope she catches on before high school. Megan's nose was dry – and nearly clear – last night, though; there was only a single, crusty hanger I desperately wanted to pick as I admired her flawless face. She was reading to me. I said, "Booger, Sweetheart," and pointed to the right side of her nose and she dug and flicked it away. Who cares; I vacuum. Megan was reading aloud a book about a girls basketball team. This is good, since I will coach her soon and want basketball on the brain! On her brain, I should clarify; basketball is always on my brain, especially with Michael’s team at 3-0 and Iowa State ranked 17th. I’m excited to coach Megan’s squad of eight-year-old girls. I’m also terrified. But if my suspicion is true, I’ll benefit from the fact that girls pay more attention and work harder than their male counterparts. Michael's team, albeit older and maybe less tearful, is rambunctious and easily distracted and pretty much annoying as shit. They are also very good and undefeated. Do you think I’d take fewer wins if it meant fewer annoyances? HELL NO!

Outsmarting eight-year-olds isn’t easy. And that holds true for seven, and six, and five, and so on. Speak for yourself, you say? Fair enough; I realize I am the one and only common denominator in my experiences with all the precocious, prodigious kids I’ve been parent, uncle, cousin, coach, friend, and acquaintance to. Maybe you know how to outsmart grade-schoolers, but I don’t. I have a long record of failure. So yeah, anyway, I can’t wait to be in charge of a whole team of eight-year-old girls.

I mentioned Kleenex above. I really love it when Megan leaves a tissue in her pants-pocket, and it ends up in the washing machine with a huge load of laundry. It leaves beautiful little snowflakes – super-thin and impossible to remove – on all of our clothes. It’s so festive!

Dad Entry #173

It occurred to me the other day that securing good email addresses for my kids is nearly as important as getting them social security numbers. I know email addresses are free and everywhere. I know some of you have three of them. I know they’re as accessible as big, fat credit cards (although, hopefully, after the ’08 meltdown those are no longer handed out like parade candy). But it is precisely because of – not despite – their modern ubiquitousness, that proper email addresses are essential. Hey man, there are real consequences to lousy email monikers! For starters, availability is finite, unless you’re okay with random or impermanent extensions. Something like megancox@joeblowcablecompany.com will be defunct in mere months when Mr. Blow’s business is swallowed or squashed by a marauding giant like Comcast. And then AT&T will give you a better deal than Comcast. Even megancox@motorola.com is only good until she accepts her golden parachute. So let's save our children, shall we, from having to craft one of those “my email address has changed” notices every year, which inevitably and ironically end up mass-mailed to a bunch of other no-longer-used addresses. We lose contact with loved ones. And the unreceived, unread messages lead to false accusations, bitter feuds, and missed parties. We can’t have missed parties. Another problem is that of namelessness, or the use of silly pseudonyms or just plain gibberish. Just plain gibberish is just plain annoying. I don’t want people to initiate urgent and serious contact with Michael by entering why.u.hate.me.playa.abc-ya.123-ya@yahoo. Or whatever. That just won’t do. And if including an authentic name sounds reasonable, we’re right back to the part about finite availability. Countless names are very common. (‘Cox’ is no exception, unfortunately. Have fun in high school, kids! It’s character-building. I was saddled with it too). There is a Michael Cox on the New York Giants currently; there was a Danny Cox on the St. Louis Cardinals when I was a kid. And last I checked, ‘Megan’ hasn’t gone the way of Mertle or Herman. Now a word about prefixes and addendums: I don’t believe in prefacing or appending an address with a pigeonholing descriptor or asinine abbreviation. I’m just not a fan of promqueenmegan@ or dr.bball.michael.b.phd@hotmail. Addresses like this, to me, are the same as i.am.an.imbecile@earthlink.net. And finally – phew, is anybody still reading? – the extension ‘hotmail’ brings to mind a concluding concern. A gmail address is preferable, in my opinion, and not just because I work for a Google company. Yahoo addresses are also common; they are clearly recognized and remembered. Hotmail? Hmm. This is the gray area. AOL? Not gray anymore; @aol.com is totally 90’s and unacceptable, and God knows what kind of ancient user interface you're stuck with. So... did I follow my own advice? Yes, I was able to get perfect gmail and yahoo addresses for M and m. They include initials and middle names, but are solely name-based. No confusing tangle of numbers, periods, and dashes. No nonsense or profanity or hip-hop slang. That’s it. They’re set. They have lifelong, clear, and major-provider email addresses. You’re welcome, Michael and Megan; thanks to me, you can avoid the major pitfalls – primarily anonymity and asininity – when it comes to this important matter.

Dad Entry #172

My son is a Vikings fan. I had to kick him out. I sent him on his way with one of those sticks-with-a-handkerchief-bundle-over-the-shoulder thingies. Sorry, Bud. Rain or shine, suck or not suck, it’s Bears here. We love defense and erratic quarterbacking. Michael’s a Minnesota fan because his grandparents took him to the Metrodome. It was Vikes / Cardinals – the Bears weren’t in town, sadly, only Larry Fitzgerald – but it blew Michael’s hair back. There’s a kind of heightened intimacy or immediacy – or frenzy! – that comes with ceilinged, enclosed stadiums at full spasm, packed and ravenous. Open-air joints like Soldier Field just can’t match the uproar. When the dome blares Led Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song” at a zillion decibels over tens of thousands of crazies, even I feel like swinging an ax for glory and a ticket to Valhalla. “We come from the land of the ice and snow…. Valhalla, I am coming.” I wrote about this before – Michael at a Vikes game – but I didn’t think it would stick. Purple? If he gets a horned helmet with yellow yarn braids, it's going right in the trash.

I’m in Brazil on business. I’ve worked hard but also consumed kilos and liters, respectively, of meat and local beer – Bohemia, Itaipava, and Chopp Brahma. Being here – my first time in South America – is a nice reminder that the world is both big and small. Just as people from every corner, to me, are always the same but different. Yeah, I’m like, deep. The cultural contrasts are fun to wade into, the language and food, of course, but fashion and architecture – and beer – always deviate, also. Shoe styles seem to vary between continents, as do license plates and light switches. I’ve blown up electric shavers in Europe and Asia because the outlets are always different. The most obvious dissimilarity, however, is the design of that profoundly utilitarian fixture in bathrooms (or WC's, depending). Yes, I mean toilets. They are surprisingly diverse. The thrones and urinals are different in every country I’ve been to, and it’s an IQ test to figure them out. Is there a button or a lever or a cord or a sensor? And in Brazil right now: What is this thing that looks like a pull-out sink sprayer? I don't like bidets. Somehow, we manage. I think my point is this: I hope my kids travel. It’s eye-opening – and soul-opening, frankly, in my opinion – to bounce around the globe some.

Dad Entry #171

Yesterday, Megan said, “Daddy, can I dumpster dive with you?” I was stepping out of our condo with a bag of recyclables, empty bottles and junk mail and so on. I felt a twinge of emotion but I can’t remember if it was shame or pride or both in some confusing seesaw. I want my sweetheart to be grounded and real, although garbage-picking in crusty, smelly dumpsters is surely pushing it. Regardless, I said, “Of course you can come, Honey-Bunny, but I doubt you’ll see anything you wanna keep.” The recycling dumpster – shared by everyone in the building and almost as gross as its abutting and identical neighbor, the garbage dumpster – occasionally yields a within-reach, unsoiled treasure. For example, someone gets ESPN The Magazine; someone else gets The New Yorker. If the Bloomberg cover is tempting and not damp or sticky, I will consider it. I pulled a True Blood DVD box set out not long ago, which I immediately gave to Sara who was just arriving with the kids. Unabashedly, I tossed it into her car and used the unfortunate phrase ‘dumpster dive’ in my honest recounting of how I came to possess it. I was excited. Megan remembers things.

Megan has the habit of picking up pamphlets when they are displayed at pharmacies, for example, or at interstate rest areas. I find them in my backseat. They say things like “Explore Wisconsin” or “Save Money On Your Medicare” or “What You Need To Know About Your Colonoscopy.”

I saw a bobcat. I was driving home from work at dusk and it ran in big strides across the road. It stopped in some grass and looked sideways at me and was unmistakable. I enjoy nature as much as anyone; I fish and hunt every year. But my excitement was surprisingly intense, to the point I felt an impulse to self-criticize for being childish. I was as excited as Michael would be. Although, am I that foolish? I mean wild bobcats are cool, right? So are red foxes. Those hawks circling overhead? Yeah, they’re pretty kickass too, let’s face it. Bears, wolfs, whales, giant squids? You betcha! Ancient Egypt. Dinosaurs. Outer space. One Direction.... just makin' sure you're payin' attention. As for the rest, however, it's nice that kids remind us.

Dad Entry #170

Michael hit a baseball that hasn’t landed yet in his last game. It was a high pitch and he crushed it. I had a nice view of the sequence – the pitch up in the zone, the swing, the contact, the beautifully-trajected, long flight of the baseball over the leftfielder’s head – since I was coaching at first base. I barked at Michael, as he ran toward me, to go to second, and faster for heaven’s sake, although I didn’t utter any silly appending phrases like that, I only thought them and with more intensity and pungency I’m sure. My son runs like he’s pulling a plow. Or he has a piano on his back. Or both. My commands, as he rounded first base, were likely more spirited than normal because I was elated. I was surprised too, frankly, and I wasn't the only one. I’m pretty sure a dozen jaws dropped, including those on Mommy and Grammie and Coach Lee and several players. We expect Michael to hit well but not launch the ball into orbit. Of course, Michael only got a double. Holy shit is he slow. I know turtles that could’ve taken three bases. The kid in left field nearly ran to the next town to retrieve the ball (there's no outfield fence to corral things) but Michael only ambled into second on the play. Oh well. He’ll never leg out a triple unless he hits one into a passing train car headed to Canada or something (in a league with no ground rule doubles). Speaking of big, lumbering guys who crush the baseball, Papa Mike caught an Adam Dunn foul ball for Michael at the White Sox game a few weeks back.

Michael’s lethargic, leisurely baserunning seems very purposeful and swift, actually, compared to Megan putting on shoes. Oh my God, turtles are rocket ships, snails are race cars. (I mean snails other than Turbo.) In Megan's defense, I’m referring only to her glacially paced routine with a specific pair of high-top gym shoes that just can't be thrown quickly onto my sweetheart’s socked little feet. They're sneakers with panache, I'll admit; they have rhinestones and gems on them, the patterns of which I've nearly memorized as I wait and sometimes help with the unknotting and loosening of laces, followed by sock-straightening and the actual donning of the shoes with exertive pulling accompanied by teeth-gritting and soft grunts, followed by shoe-tongue unbunching and arranging, followed by lace tightening, untangling, and tying. If Megan does every step by herself – and she usually does because she’s eight now and should really put her shoes on without parental assistance – it feels like a lifetime. It takes forever. The sun could rise and then set again. I notice new leaves on my plants. My fingernails are longer. Okay, my jokes are overdone and poor but it can’t be overstated. And I consider myself a patient father. Wait… that’s the problem, isn’t it?

Dad Entry #169

The growth of my children seems to be accelerating. They are both very tallish these days, and Michael has a nice, proportionate thickness to him, also. He'll lean out some, but I'm certain he'll never be as sinewy and stork-legged as I am (or used to be). This is good. And his weight is north of 100 pounds which, I’m pretty sure, already precludes him from riding at the Kentucky Derby or modeling for Guess.

Last week, Michael made an interesting offer; he said, “Dad, I’m going to invent the perfect life for you.” My first thought, of course, was, thank you for assuming I need an upgrade. But I responded, “Okay, what’d you have in mind?” He said, “Well, for the perfect life you would live in the Storellis’ house.” Hmm, I would hate for the Storellis to vacate or share, but it’s true they occupy a beautiful home, very big and full of character. “And it would have a trampoline and a pool,” Michael added. So these are things for your perfect life, Dude, not mine, but go on. “And a basketball court.” Now we’re gettin’ somewhere! “And you would drive a Bugatti Veyron Super Sport.” Okay, so I needed Wikipedia for this one. Although I’ve heard of Bugattis, I didn’t realize how fast they are. The Super Sport version of the Veyron is actually the fastest street-legal production car in the world, with a top speed of almost 270 mph. Michael is refreshingly well-informed. But then he said, “Actually, no, I guess you wouldn’t like the Super Sport, Dad, since it uses a gallon of gasoline every minute.” *Bubble burst* Yeah, and routine maintenance will cost tens-of-thousands, and a new transmission after we grind it to smithereens will run us only two-hundred grand, but… doesn’t the phrase 'perfect life' assume we aren’t troubled by the trivial cost of things?

Michael has a calm, cool, almost sleepy demeanor on the baseball diamond. He’s a little like DiMaggio, I think, based on what I’ve read and seen in grainy, old videos. I'm not sure what I think of DiMaggio's wife, though. I had a poster of her – a very classy one – come to think of it, so that says something. I wonder what Michael will hang on his walls in a few years? Speaking of favorite posters, my uncle flew Farrah Fawcett loud and proud until I was at least Michael's age, in his old bedroom at my grandparents' house. Does anyone recall the poster I'm referring to? I'm pretty sure it was commonly owned or coveted back in the day, during an era when people somehow survived without a zillion images to choose from. Although, I liked another Charlie's Angel even more than Farrah. And I'm not referring to Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu, or Drew Barrymore. This poor generation; like so many things, the remakes and reboots just don't measure up to the originals. Holy shit, do I sound like a parent, or what?!

Dan Entry #168

Megan forgets things. I do too, of course; there is a beam in my eye, sure, but let’s talk about the splinter in Megan’s. Way too often, after we’ve cheerfully and comfortably settled in the car for a smile-filled, pleasant ride to school, Megan will blurt, “I forgot my fleece!” or “I don’t have my gym shoes!” Or she forgets her homework or snack or water bottle or a library book. This triggers an avalanche of annoyances, like a rambling lecture from Michael, and then my condemnation of his condemnation (if he cuts too deep, which he often does), followed by a flailing defense by Megan that torches everything, Michael, Daddy, the condo, school, life in general. Pretty soon, crabbiness and chaos have stolen our morning. This is frustrating since I repeatedly ask Megan if she has everything she needs (and so does Michael now, often condescendingly, and then I snarl at him to butt out) before we leave the condo. But I’m a silver lining kinda guy – once in a while – so I gleefully spring out of the car and take the stairs two at a time back up to the fourth floor. I retrieve what’s missing and sprint back down and… voila, I’ve worked out! My cholesterol is elevated but not for lack of extra cardio.

Michael is playing fall baseball in a league of 5th and 6th graders. He’s in 5th and he’s holding his own and I think he feels good about it; he should feel good about it. He’s shown zero signs of intimidation or discouragement when facing hard-throwing pitchers – there are some very good, older players in the league. He stays with pitches and has all the appropriate stride-beginnings; good hitters lean and shift their weight and move their head a certain way to follow the baseball while deciding in an instant whether to put a swing on it. Michael does all of this quite beautifully, even if the pitch is blazing past him from some hotshot hurling from a shortened, little-league-distance mound. And he hits the not-overpowering pitchers hard, and has made a few plays on defense, and has even pitched a little himself. Michael is decidedly NOT a dominating pitcher. On Sunday he pitched and struggled and I had to pull him. (I am one of the coaches.) Of course, I love these moments; I stand next to my son on a pitcher’s mound, with a game on, with two teams and an umpire and fans waiting on us. I say things to him like, “Hey Bud, you’re having trouble finding it today, so I’m gonna bring in Adam, but who cares, you’re a big kid, a strong kid, and you’re only going to get better as a pitcher, and everything else you put your focus on, and you’re a hitting machine, and an awesome son, and what movie should we watch later, anyway?” I think I lose him at about the second compliment but get his attention back at the mention of a movie.

Megan has seven thousand pairs of leggings. Or so it seems. I didn’t even know what leggings were for the first 30 years of my life. A clear understanding of leggings, their place in young female wardrobes and varieties of, their tendency – if earth-toned and tightish – to remind me of old Robin Hood productions and two funny Cary Elwes movies, their general casualness but ability to spice up – or ‘clash up’ – an outfit, their ease of laundering and folding, their use as an extra layer (under skirts, for example), and the availability of so many outrageous patterns (like gray and pink leopard print) are all details I’m well-versed in as the father of a fashion-adventurous little girl.

Dad Entry #167

Megan is skinny. I’m afraid she’ll need jeans with elastic tighteners forever. I’ve done battle with several pairs of them, on her behalf, getting the buttons through the elastic bands and then un-bunching the stubborn waist in sections. It’s like a little built-in belt. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, good for you. Of course, jeans that are un-tight are the favorite of fathers everywhere, for their precious daughters, but I don’t want Megan’s pants to sag in an entirely unattractive way, only in a sort of unattractive way. There is a precisely achievable difference. I want her pants snug at the waist and baggy through the butt and thighs. Golf knickers, for example, are perfect.

Megan said to me yesterday, at the dinner table, in a kind of scholarly tone, “I think I just have gas pain, or I have to go poop right now.” I said, “Okay Baby, sure thing, go take care of business.” She scampered off, seemingly surprised or pleased or enlightened by her self-diagnosis. It’s always oxymoronic for expressions of this kind to come from such a sweet little girl. Although, let’s be honest; Megan’s not always sweet or prone to propriety when dealing with bodily functions. Megan, for example, is a very skilled gas-passer and not at all one without pride. She will almost always giggle and sometimes even pump her fist. Okay, I’m exaggerating now…. As for Megan’s stomach issue detailed above, it was in response to the visible shock, on my face and Michael’s, when Megan declined dessert. This NEVER happens. So Megan felt the need to explain unequivocally. In the future, however, in the long, long distant future – like if she’s on a date – I hope she just excuses herself from the table, flashes one of her beautiful smiles, and maybe retrieves her lip gloss from her purse before departing. There’s nothing wrong with misdirection, or harmless deception, at moments like this. Got it, Meg?

I want my kids to be polite and positive. If I had to distill it all into two main points or focuses, if I had to do some kind of catch-phrase-y sloganeering to summarize it, I would go with “The Two P’s of Parenting.” Regarding politeness, I mean the obvious, but also the possession of a sense of decorum and professionalism (when they get older), and a sense of respect. The world has been around a long time, and so have certain people, and certain types of people. I want them to respect it all, because it will all reward them and fulfill them and then, often without warning, knock them on their ass. And both cycles have great purpose. Uh-oh, can I make it “The Three P’s of Parenting?” And the second P – shoot, I think I’ve gone overboard, this is like a cleaning-product infomercial now; no, I’m not yelling – is really very simple. People who are optimistic and grateful are happier, healthier, and more successful. We can argue about definitions and semantics and science, but I simply want my kids to get in the habit of leaning in one direction and not the other. And I think when you’re positive, you work harder; you’re passionate. Four P’s?

Dad Entry #166

My sweet, little daughter doesn’t flush the toilet. I don’t get it; I view this activity as necessary and courteous, of course, but also relatively urgent. I am big and male – not insignificant factors here – but even when perpetrated by the cute and tiny, an unflushed toilet is an unpleasant surprise. Megan has her own bathroom, and I would stay out of it in between cleanings but she doesn’t turn off the lights either, or pick up her wet, wadded towels, so I am frequently reminded to check for things undone or out of place.

Man, I haven't had time to write lately…. I feel very rusty.

I’m tempted to let Megan rewear cloths unless she dribbles food on them. This is an unpopular practice, I realize, in certain circles, like those populated by women, mothers, fashion police, clothiers, and detergent salespeople. But I’ve thought it through, and I believe that two well-spaced wearings, in between thorough washings, is perfectly acceptable. Underwear and socks are exempt, of course, as is anything muddy, grass-stained, painted, or glitter-glued (whoever invented that crap is evil). And this new policy has nothing to do with laziness. Folding laundry is a pleasure, in fact; I do it while watching SportsCenter, Justified, or The Walking Dead, the best shows on TV. And let’s face it, Megan is still very cute and little and sweat-free and perfect-smelling and flawlessly complected. But all of this is moot anyway, because Megan always gets food on her clothes.

Megan is terrified of tornadoes. We’ve had some wicked weather this summer, no doubt, so I can’t blame her for asking me, every time it storms now, “Dad, is there gonna be a tornado?” Her anxiety has everything to do with an impressive storm that rolled through right before one of our baseball games this year. I don’t believe in cancelling a game only because the weatherman announces an ominous forecast. Weathermen, it’s fitting to note, get it right about as often as batters in baseball, a third of the time, and that’s if they’re good (Miguel Cabrera has a league-leading .355 average right now). The radar was ominous too, I admit, but I need to see the rain firsthand, and the opposing coach agreed. So there we were, assembled and exposed at the ballpark, when the sky blackened in an instant, the wind was suddenly whipping and deafening, and the showers came in sideways torrents. A great bolt of lightning arced across the sky right before an explosion of thunder. Megan was scared to death, and the rest of us were nearly so; we were all standing around metal fencing. Everyone sprinted to their cars. Megan was hysterical and soaked and convinced we were being swept away in a tornado. She was unable to hear my soothing screams over the wind, “It’s okay, Baby, we’re safe!! It’s just rain!!” I know, of course, that screams are rarely soothing. I tried to carry her, but I also had the baseball equipment to haul. Mommy was there too, helping and herding us all to safety. We made it, but now my sweetheart reflexively asks during every storm, “Dad, is there gonna be a tornado?” No Honey, no tornado.

Dad Entry #165

There are moments in fatherhood when it’s best to recuse oneself, admit ignorance (or at least unfamiliarity), or say, “Ask your mother.” I’m not referring to matters of permission. Although, I suck at those too. I’m talking about impossible questions with futile answers, analogous to Zen koans, perhaps, or appeals from Cub fans approaching nonagenarian-hood, “Really? Not even once in my entire LIFETIME?!” So the kids and I were discussing superheroes again (see my last post). Michael can be a ruthless debater when facing his little sister. He luringly paints her into logical corners, which is often condescending and ugly – and very common among siblings – but Megan artfully holds her own, with name-calling or withdrawal, or in this case, a diversion. It was a diversionary question, in fact, and it froze us all. Megan said, “And where does the Hulk get his pants, anyway?” Good one, Meg! Michael, who was probably winning an argument about, say, the inefficacy of Clark Kent’s disguise – only eyeglasses?! – was summarily silenced. There is no good explanation for the Hulk’s pants. This is immediately, awkwardly, painfully obvious. Kryptonite? Sure, makes perfect sense. Spider bites, gamma rays, mutant genes, Norse mythology. Yep, yep, sure, no problem. All are very palatable. And my favorite, adamantium skeleton and retractable claws? Of course, everyone knows how Wolverine was deeply in love – and only sort of invincible – until he undertook the coolest self-improvement project ever when his heart was broken. Perfectly plausible, and admirable to boot! But the Hulk’s pants? How can we believe they’re from the diminutive and pasty Bruce Banner?! Even Hollywood can’t reconcile this one. Putting baggy trousers on Edward Norton? Feeble. The Hulk’s waist size doubles, and his thighs quadruple! Megan, sensing she’d really kicked the jukebox, tried to lighten the mood. She added, “The Hulk would need like ten grandmas to sew him some pants.” My sweetheart. So there are creative predicaments in life, and there are tough questions. But I know a tough little girl too, a girl who counts superheroes and apparel among her many interests, a smart girl who can spot bullshit a mile away. (Yes, I realize I’m caricaturizing.) She’s my sweet Meg-pie. And regarding bullshit, there are too many people – I even see one in the mirror sometimes – who spend this unfortunate currency.

I read this today: “There comes a time when you realize everything is a dream, and only things preserved in writing have any possibility of being real.” I'm not sure I agree, but I hope my children know why I’ve done this, 165 times. I can’t NOT do it; I love them too much. But writing is untameable. It bounces between uplifting and agonizing for me, during hours of sculpting sentences, ones I’m certain are clumsy or confusing or over-written or under-written or grammatically dreadful or just plain bad, and even heavyweights like Hemingway said, “Writing is easy, you just sit at a typewriter and bleed.” My attempts at writing combine love and a vicious vulnerability. Although, do we ever get one without the other? I guess the first one trumps the second here. Oh man, I just got way too serious! Somebody tell a fart joke. Hurry!